ASK DAN!
From time to time I get people who think that I actually know something. They ask me questions and ask for my advice. Here are a few examples of questions that I get asked, and the replies that I give. They are very helpful, feel free to email me with any advice that you need. Here we go.
Dan, I really need your help. I am a 16 year old girl and my boyfriend who I have had for 4 months is really pressuring me into having sex. I really don't think that I am ready yet, but I like him a lot and would hate to lose him. Do you think he will be mad if I tell him the truth?
-from Confused, 16
Well confused, you have to look at this from the guys point of view. He needs a piece. If you aren't going to be the one who gives it to him, he will find it elsewhere. My advice to you is you suck it up and stop being such a tight bitch. You will find your way on a one way path to dumpsville if you don't smarten the fuck up. You have a vagina for a reason, and it's not to be a little fucking tease, so get the fuck out of my face already.
Dan G. I have a little bit of a problem, and I don't really know where to go. I kind of got with this dirty girl and she was blowing me and I noticed after that she had some cold sores on her lips. I didn't think too much of it at the time, however a few days later I noticed some bumps on penis. I don't know what to do, I am terrified that I have AIDS or something, why do these fucking sluts do this shit??? What do I do?!!!
-from Bumpy, 19
First of all, don't worry. There are a few things that you need to do in this situation. #1 Find the bitch who did this to you and drop a brick on her fucking stupid head. #2 go and either get your shit checked out and get it burned off or some shit. And if that doesn't work, the next girl you are with, just explain to her not to think of it as an STD, tell her to think of it more as studded dick. She will understand.
Dan, I'm in trouble! I live on a farm, and my parents are away for a month. I am supposed to be watching the horses and feeding them and everything until they get back. I forgot to feed them the other day, and 4 of them died. WHAT DO I DO???
-from Worried, 18
HAHAHAHA! YOU KILLED 4 FUCKING HORSES! I LOVE YOU! Don't do anything! Actually if I were you, I would go to the neighbors house and kill all of their horses too! Fuck I hate them.
Man! I was on a date with this girl who I liked for a long time, and I realized I had to shit like soooo bad. We were at the zoo and walking around. Not a bathroom in site. So when she was bending over and looking at the giraffes, I fucking dumped in my pants like soooo bad. She caught me! She had this look on her face like, ohhh my god hat the fuck are you doing? Then all the sudden, this perverted smile came on her face. Turns out, she's into it! I don't know if I can be with someone like this!!! What do I do?
-from Poopy, 17
God Dammit man. Don't fucking see her any more. That is fucking disgusting. Here's what you are going to do. Ask her for another date. Afterwards go back to her house. When she is on her bed shit all over her and when she is like orgasming, hit her over the head with a rock and then piss in her mouth. She definately won't want to be in an abusive relationship, and she won't call you again. Unless she really likes the taste of your piss.
Hey Dude! I wanna Get FCukijng PISSED with you MAN! You are the fucking best ANd the funniest son of a bithc out there and youjdr website is the best htig to ever happen to my nutsz.
-from Hammered, 20
Bring me some beers you stupid motherfucker. It's funnelling time!
Dan. I have done it this time. I was driving my car along the street in the city. It was late at night and I was kind of drunk. All of the sudden I stopped at a light. A squeegee punk came up to my window and asked me if I wanted it cleaned. He looked like he was on PCP or something. I remembered your squeegee punk article. I had been drinking the rye that night so I was kind of a snapcase. I jumped out on my car and threw a forearm at his face. Then I just kept kicking and kicking and kicking him in the head until he wasn't moving anymore. Just in case he was still living I threw him a nickel. I feel sooo bad Dan, I can't believe I did this. I mean god! Throwing a nickel to that piece of shit! What was I thinking???
-from Drivin' Ryed, 22
Man I know that it can feel shitty when you lose 5 cents on such an unworthy cause. But you gotta keep this in mind... At least you hung a dirty beating on him. Like I know it isn't worth him making 5 cents, but it's better than giving him the 5 cents and not handing him a beating. And also, think about this: Maybe you actually did kill him! Wouldn't that be awesome? Then he would have no chance at all to even spend the 5 cents. You maybe shoulda ran his body over as you pulled away too, just to make sure. Anyway... keep that in mind for next time.