ASK DAN 2!
Well, I got such a good response from my last Ask Dan Article that I decided to field even more questions and help more people with their problems. Keep them coming if you like these articles, and I will keep answering. By the way, this is being written as my one year anniversary article. Congrats to me. I fucking rule. LET'S GO!
dear dan,my ex gf was telling me how much she loves me and stuff, and how she wants me back. I really don't have any feelings for her, so what should i do?
-from Concerned, 16
I'll tell you what you should do. Pretend to like her back long enough to score a bit more sex off her. Then go ahead and dump her like a diareah shit. Most girls are fucking cheating and using sluts, so you should turn the tables on her and use her in a cunning reverse move. Be sure to make her cry at the end of it all. The bitch deserves it.
Yo Dan! I'm having a little bit of trouble keeping my shlong hard when I have sex with my girlfriend. What can I do to keep her pleased???
-from Soggy, 19
Well, you can do any one of the following:
-Get a hotter girlfriend.
-Tape a carrot to the side of your dick.
-Punch her in the face as you have sex, her moans and cries will excite you
more.
-Get a boyfriend, maybe you like guys.
I personally have never experienced the problem, so I can't really say. If my suggestions still don't work, you could always try killing yourself. No one would really care.
Hey Dan, my girlfriend left me for a pleather wearing soul patch faggot. I hate this situation very much and I hate the guys fucking guts, little own that tight bitch that I used to pound. I hate her guts and I hate his even more possibly. I feel compelled to fight this fucker and punch that bitch to the lips. I even want to throw beer bottles at him when I see him in public. But I hold off hard core. I don't know if I can hold this rage inside. What do you recommend I do???
-from Blood-Boiling, 21
Ever notice that all the problems in this world seem to be from girlfriends? FUCK! I say kick the living fuck-shit out of the pleather soul patch fag when you see him. Don't bother holding shit in. I know what it's like to feel the urge to toss bottles at peoples heads. After that, maybe give the girl a couple of shots in the lips too. Couples like that deserve each other, so fuck them. You probably have a bigger weiner than him anyway. The only way to get ahead in this situation is to cause them both some major pain. I say rip off his soul patch and glue it to her chin, then punch it on hard so it sticks. Hahaha, fuck that would rule.
DUDE! I need some advice! I met this girl on a chatline, and we started talking, and before I knew it we were talking all of the time. She says she wants to meet me! I am very nervous and I make up excuses to not see her because what if she isn't what I pictured. What should I do?!?
-from Cyber-Lover, 17
Well. I say go and meet her(him). Yes that's right, I said him... I have some disturbing news for you Cyber Lover: You are dating a guy. Not only that, but you are 17 years old. The man you are dating is around 45, with a beard. Yep, I say go meet him and get anal raped and killed and thrown in the river. Lots of people fake who they are on the net to lure young boys like you. Unless... You aren't a 17 year old boy emailing me.... Wait a sec, Oh fuck! LEAVE ME ALONE YOU HAIRY OLD PIECE OF DONKEY FUCK!
Dan, I fucking absolutely love your website! (and congrats on the one year) However, everytime I read it, I have a pretty major problem. I start to laugh so hard when I read all of your hillarious articles that I shit my pants. I swear to god, shit goes all over the place and stains the carpet. One time, my mom walked in because she heard me laughing so hard and she saw me on the computer. When I laugh really hard, little bits of pee come out of the end of my dick. My mom saw the wet spot appearing on my pants. She thinks I have problems. Any idea on how I can handle the shitting situation?
-from Depends, 18
That is pretty disgusting man, but thank you for the kind words. I think I can help you out. If you know that you are going to be coming on the computer to visit my website, be sure that you put down a good deal of newspaper all around you. Then you can laugh your balls off and shit wherever the fuck you want. As for the bits of pee coming out, well it happens to the best of us. Next time, pee on your mom.
Dan, I have this problem. See, I have a part time job as a lifeguard and, I also teach swimming lessons. One of my duties is to teach my students CPR, on the plastic CPR dummy. One day I was showing mouth to mouth to my new class. I got a strange feeling. Somehow, the dummy was turning me on. I noticed a small nub forming in my swimming trunks. I didn't do anything at the time, and I tried to put it out of my mind. I continued with the lesson and when it was finished, I was compelled to go to the dummy. I began to have sex with the dummy and put my weiner in it's mouth and chest cavity. Do you think that I am weird or fucked up because of my sexual tendencies towards the CPR Dummy?
-from Plastic Fucker, 22
Yes.