ASK DAN 3!
Back again for a third fucking round. I've been aching to do some writing again, but all my efforts as of late have been put into the video section. I hope to get into a good routine of writing articles again. So since the last time I wrote, I have gotten a bunch of new ask dan questions sent to me, I figured a good way to start my writing again would be to address those first. Enjoy you freaks.
dan.. ive
got this bad habbit of rubbing my fingers over (or even in my asshole) and
than smelling them constantly. whether it be shit time or not. I went to the
doctor and he said it was just a phase i was going through. that was 1 year
ago today, and since that is my anniversary and yours was a bit ago i thought
i would ask you how i could fix this. Im almost to the point where smelling
isnt just enough anymore. Have you ever wonder what shit tasted like? questions
rambling through my head all day long. please help me out
-from Stinky Fingers, 30
Oh my sick fucking god. I can't even begin to believe that someone actually sent me this. I guess I will do my best to try to help you out though. The first thing is, you are fucking disgusting. No, I haven't wondered what shit tastes like, and I hope that I never find out. I don't really understand why you would go to a doctor about this. I would be too embarrassed. I mean, where do you finger your asshole? On the bus? At church? Your younger sisters piano recital? I think maybe you should just taste it and see how bad it is, then you won't have a craving to make your own fudgesicles anymore. I don't really want to help you anymore, go die.
Dear Dan
I have this problem of scratching my ass and smelling my fingers. Its getting
to be a real problem, because I do it in shopping malls, grandmas house, and
at the supper table. Now I'm starting to scratch other peoples asses and smelling
that rich, and
almost all the time sweaty sweet aroma. What should I do?
-from Anal itch, 23
Seriously. I am not making this shit up. TWO fucking different sick fuckers with the same problem... This is fucking rank. Wait, I have an idea. I will send you Stinky Fingers email adress and you two can start to date and play with each others assholes, because you are obviously a couple of fucking fags. Stop emailing me.
Dan G man! I work with this wicked hot girl that i am getting to know and I really like her. I don't know how to tell her though, im scared that she just wants to be friends and I will be heartbroken, or if it will totally wreck the friendship. i wonder if i should just keep my feelings inside or just move on. help!
-from Nervous, 17
Hey hey, finally a question that doesn't involve scratching the end of your intestines. What kind of fucking readers am I attracting here? Anyways, I think that you have two choices on what to do here. You can either just go for it and whatever happens happens (if you are ugly) or if you think that she does like you back try this: Slip something into her drink to make her pass out, (or hit her in the head when she isn't looking) when she is out cold, have your way with her in every way imaginable. When it's all said and done, you will realize whether she's worth dating or not. And if she finds out about it after, and rejects you still, at least you will have some incriminating photos. ps. send me them.
Dan!!!L!!!! GGGG FUCK!!!! I AM WI\cked hamemred, i gott a qyuestion for you... how do you get away withn doing all that crayz shit on youyr videos and not be dead yet? I mean liek fuck, you are nuts, I llvoe you, keep up the good work, i cant wiat for the full length Dvd to come out so i cna shoit my pants to it, i saw you doing some fucked up things aty a pARTY BEFORE oops, and i mean my god, no one puts on a show like you!!! ! i could drink with you Everydsay!
-from Dan-g-fan, 19
Thanks for the kind words. Yes, considering some of the things I have done, I probably should be dead. I'd be lying if I said that I never get hurt though. I get hurt BAD pretty much every time I am out taping/ drinking. It makes people love it even more and it makes me want to do even more. I will be totally honest with you, the only time I feel real alive, and truly happy is when I am straight hammered and entertaining a bunch of people with random acts of crazy shit. If I have to get hurt in the crossfire as a result of being happy for those few moments, I pay it gladly. It's just a part of who I am, and until something fills the void to make me happy, I'm not going to stop, because it is all that I've got. The video is going to be awesome, but I have a lot of taping to do yet, before I can even take it to post-production, which is my favourite thing! I'm drooling just thinking about it. Keep on coming to the parties and keep on rocking.
fuck man, do I ever have a problem for you.. sometimes when I get really hammered, I beat the living shit out of my girlfriend. I know that theres nothing wrong with that, but my problem is that sometimes, if i am really really hammered and passing out, she beats the shit out of me! how can i protect myself in this drunken state?
-from Abused, 21
You know, to solve this one, we need to go back to the root of your problem. You say that you beat her, but when you pass out she gets her revenge by beating you in her sleep? Obviously you haven't been beating her hard enough. I mean, to instill the fear that she really needs to have in her she needs to really know who's boss. Kicking your ass when you pass out? That's not too fair. Why not even things up a bit... During her next beating, use a bat, or a golf club even! Be creative, show that bitch that not fighting fair isn't cool. Ps. a girl kicked your ass! Haha! Pussy.
Dan, I'll be perfectly honest with you. I am a guy who likes to drink his own pee. The salty taste leaves me just the right amount of energy in the morning to get my day started off on the right foot. Do you think I am weird?
-from Salty Shake, 25
I think that if you drink your own pee, you are getting your day started off on the left foot you fucking sicko. What kind of people are you? I'm gonna fucking throw up if I keep getting this sick shit sent to me. What makes you all think I want to know about this bullshit? All other advice column get the nice ones, like, I don't know what to get my husband for our anniversary....what do I get? I like to scratch my asshole with nail clippers, and drink my own pee! Fuck this bullshit, I quit.