The Santa Interview
One year after the Santa article, I got a letter from the north pole. Jolly old St. Nick wasn't too happy with me. I promised him that I'd give him a fair chance to defend himself in an interview of my site. I decided to find out the real truth about Santa fucking kids. Here it is.
Dan G: First
of all Mr. Claus, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to adress my readers
during your busiest time of year.
Santa: Thank you for having me, Dan. I know you have had a few harsh things
to say about me, so I thought I should clear my name.
Dan G: Well,
that is very noble of you. So seriously, why do you have sex with little kids?
Like, you have a wife and stuff. Granted shes not the cutest fish in the pond.
Santa: I DON'T HAVE SEX WITH KIDS! I seriously don't know where you heard
of that, or came up with it.
Dan G: Alright.
If you don't start being honest with me right now, I am going to have to stop
this interview. I mean I hear a lot of bad things about you, but being a lying
asshole wasn't one of them.
Santa: Alright, I am sorry, I will try to be more honest.
Dan G: Ok,
so why the fucking of kids all the time?
Santa: You know what, after riding Mrs. Claus for over 400 years, she tends
to get a little bit soggy. Then I am out all the time at malls and having
millions of kids tight little bums on my lap, of course I am going to start
thinking dirty! I mean, for the first while, I didn't think anything of it,
then I just started to get urges.
Dan G: That
is totally disgusting.
Santa: Have you seen my wife?
Dan G: Shut
the fuck up. Anyway, how old are you exactly?
Santa: Old enough not to answer that question.
Dan G: You
are a fucking idiot.
Santa: Careful boy,
you haven't been too good of kid this year. You might end up with a lump of
coal in your stocking.
Dan G: Yeah,
and Mrs. Claus is going to end up with a lump in her breast, then she will
die.
Santa: Then I can fuck kids all the time!
Dan G: Santa,
you are a disgusting man.
Santa: Hey, If the king of pop can get away with it, why can't I?
Dan G: Speaking
of which, what do you think of the whole Michael Jackson child raping deal?
Santa: Well, I hope he comes out on top, because he is fighting a war for
all us molesters out there. I also, like to come when I am on top.
Dan G: On
top of what?
Santa: Kids.
Dan G: Can't
we go 2 seconds without you talking about nailing kids?
Santa: No.
Dan G: I
hope you burn in hell. So anyway, what is with the beard, are you a complete
fag or something?
Santa: Now look here, you can't go ahead and insult my beard now, my beard
is the trademark of everything that is good in this world and it is also MY
trademark.
Dan G: Looks
like it is the trademark of fucking kids in the ass, and hiding creepy smiles.
Santa: So what are you up to after the interview?
Dan G: Ask
me something like that again, and you will be breathing out of a tube until
next thanksgiving.
Santa: Ok ok, I'm sorry. ask me some more questions. I am trying to stay away
from that nagging bitch of a wife for as long as I can. Good job on the Beat
Your Wife article too, by the way.
Dan G: Yeah,
that article was pretty much a joke, you don't really beat Mrs. Claus do you?
Santa: Ummm. Yes...
Dan G: Good.
I hate that bitch. So back to business, what are the hot items that the kids
are asking for this Christmas?
Santa: Well
I've actually had a whole bunch of requests for SPDST2 dvds, and dan g t-shirts.
I have to tell them that they aren't avaliable yet. Other than that, the hokey-pokey
elmo is a hot item.
Dan G: Yes
it is true, SPDST 2 DVD will be out later this month, and t-shirts are being
sold online. Start saving up now. ps. I bet that you fucked the hokey pokey
elmo.
Santa: No, I prefer real kids.
Dan G: Do
you ever nail the reindeer?
Santa: Yes, actually I "stuff" their "stockings" on a
regular basis.
Dan G: You
are completely disgusting. I think you should lay off the cookies too you
fat fuck.
Santa: I can hardly see my knob anymore.
Dan G: You
also smell like shit, why don't you take a shower.
Santa: There is no showers in the north pole, can I use yours.
Dan G: No.
Dan G: I
have one last question, isn't it true that you aren't even real.
Santa: Ummm, maybe.
Dan G: I
hope you crash your sleigh into a mountain you fucking freak. Get the fuck
out of my studio.
*-Dan G proceeds
to slap Santa in the face, and bitchwhip him out the door on his head-*
Dan G: ...bitch.
Well that was quite the interview. I'd like to thank Santa for doing it. Merry Christmas to everyone. And remember this: If you get something really good from Santa this year, he is going to expect something from you in return. Don't give it to him, we need to stop this sick motherfucker as soon as possible. Kick him in the balls for me if you see him.